the beast

Pregnancy is a beast all it's own. Once upon a time long, long ago I thought there were only two states of pregnancy: you are or you are not. As I have aged, though, I have learned there are many sides to this phenomenon.

You aren't because you don't wish to be and all is right with the world.

You aren't but have decided to stop trying not to be.

You aren't but are trying like mad to be.

You aren't and the entire process is absent all romance and is instead completely clinical.

You aren't and have just been told you never will be.

You aren't and never intend to be.

You are and all is right with the world.

You are for a little while and then suddenly there is no heartbeat and you aren't.

You are, but you have lost one previously and are a complete wreck the entire first trimester because you might have another miscarriage.

You are, but have no desire to be.

You are and have no intention of ever doing this again.

When did it become so unsimple and complicated? And it isn't just an impact on yourself and your immediate family.

Perhaps your happiness is tempered by those you love who are trying to have a baby but having trouble.

Or you are struggling because your friend has had a miscarriage and you don't know how to be joyful without being hurtful.

Or you just aren't sure how to let the world full of over-population-propaganda know that you are expecting again.

Or you are the one having the miscarriage and you flit from dealing just fine to a weepy mess within moments. Yet you want others to share their joy with you because you genuinely love them and your pain has nothing to do with their joy.

Or you are hugely pregnant, completely uncomfortable, and hesitant to complain because most people give you the look that says: "Deal. It's your problem. You could have prevented it if you wanted to."

As we are working through another miscarriage, it strikes me as bizarre that this simple, beautiful act of bringing life into the world is so completely complex and rife with emotions. Yet, I think in some ways it must have always been more than the black and white/you are or you aren't. Any time there is so much at stake, so much deep emotion, so much love, there will always be much more involved than just a plus or a minus.