Tonight finds me wondering if in the midst of our big family joys, our kids are getting shorted. We went bowling this afternoon & I relished the joy of doing something together just for the sheer fun of it. There was laughter, cheering, and encouraging as our family joined the Dubach side for a jolly-good time of sending one heavy ball after another down a long, narrow lane just to knock things over.
So now I find myself thinking about the amount of time spent on homeschooling, piano, church planting, and living that just doesn't seem to leave a lot of room for stuff like bowling. I find myself thinking about things like finite amounts of money and increasing costs of gas which makes longer trips harder to accomplish in our gas-hog van. I find myself frustrated that we have been working on becoming debt-free for three years now, and even though the end is in sight it still feels too long off.
This is uncomfortable territory for me because I love every one of our kids more than anything and, if I could, they would have every possibility for life on a platter placed before them in order to select accordingly. But that just isn't going to happen. And some of our kids are old enough that they are now well aware of the truth that having ages 16 months through 14 years in one family means a lot of compromise by everyone.
Usually I can see this fact as a positive - that our children are going to be so well prepared for life with their own families. That growing up learning to share space, time, attention, and possessions is helping to craft selfless, humble, patient, and generous individuals. That if being part of a sports team helps children to learn to work together towards a seasonal goal, how much more blessed our kids are for being a part of team Rutherford working together towards a life goal.
Not so tonight.
Tonight all I can seem to think about is what we don't and can't give them. To think that just the number of kids we have might cause some of them to be frustrated at what we choose not to do or simply can't do breaks my heart. Do our kids feel this way and choose not to share it with us? Or do they feel this way but aren't able to articulate their feelings yet? Sigh. I hope not.
Just the very size of our family leaves us fairly unsupported by conventional wisdom. I know hundreds of families have been there, done that already, but sometimes it really does feel like we are flying solo. What if we really, really mess this one up?
Bummer thoughts, aren't they?
4 comments:
I think every parent wishes they could give their children more. Your kids are very lucky and are experiencing something very few other kids will have. I grew up an only child and as such had more "things" than I would have otherwise. I'd trade it all now for a sibling I could call up and chat with about parents, kids etc. You have given these kids a remarkable gift so I wouldn't worry too much about it. They all seem pretty well adjusted :)
i have been thinking about your post all day and upon returning to comment, found "Nitsirk"s comment... i could not have said it better if i tried. being an only i have always wished for a sibling for as long as i can remember. also, as you can see from the pics on my FB page, my kids got WAY MORE than they will ever need and yet a part of me wishes i was able to get even more. i think you are a wonderful mommy, feeling very wonderful mommy feelings. keep your head high, you and your family are blessed and happy, no matter what is under the tree!!!!!
My personal feeling is that it is not how many you have, it is how you raise them and the values you teach them...that is what is most valuable...you guys are doing that. God is pleased.
I can't tell you the how many times over the years I've had these same thoughts and concerns. I have older children now and this is what I hear from them; while they talk wistfully about missing organized sports and ballet or gymnastic classes, they have each other. They get together often, talk often and are now raising their own children together. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't trade what they have in each other with some old football memories or knowing how to stand on pointe. I'll ask them tonight...they are all coming for the family New Years Eve party!
I loved reading about your Christmas day. It sounded wonderful. I think you are just having a little "holiday's almost over" let down. I had a twinge this afternoon too!
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