Breaking Point

I hit quite the low point last week. I have heard the phrase "burned out" for as long as I have memories of words, but I truly never experienced it before last week. My bucket was empty. My commitments were too many. I wasn't up to the task. I had bitten off more than I could chew. My eyes were bigger than my stomach. Pick your phrase - I was there. And all I can say about my visit into overwhelmed land is: yuck.

I have heard that there are individuals who take up permanent residence in such a land. Really? Why? I can't imagine ever wanting to feel such an utter sense of depletion on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. For goodness sakes, I don't want to feel it ever again - why would you chose to live there?

In all honesty, I'm not sure what happened last week. I think it was simply the combination of a very busy swim season combined with the commitments of our weekly Farmer's Market, which we have never done simultaneously before. Throw in school work for the older four plus Keats and Aidan learning to read and you certainly have full days right there. Of course clothes still needed to be cleaned, a home maintained, food purchased and prepared, items used up needed to be replenished, children going to sleep-away church camp plus one who left the state. Don't forget the ER visits for a ruptured eardrum (Keats) and a broken arm (Aidan), not to mention the follow up doctor's appointments for those two calamities. There were other doctor visits as well - Aidan's follow-up for his tube-check (they are both finally out!) and well checks for a couple of our littles. And, in the midst of it all were the efforts involved with planting a new church and dealing with an employer who is doing everything to accept Scott's time and not compensate him for it. It was a very full six weeks.

Usually Scott and I do a pretty good job of maintaining our personal level of crazy without it being overwhelming. Not so last week. I arrived home on Friday afternoon to my children cleaning the house from top to bottom. It was wonderful to see and I was so appreciative of their kindness, initiative, and thoughtfulness. Right up until Shelby met me at the door. I should be honest and say that the teenager and I have been butting heads lately, but Friday we hit a new level. Her response to my returning home from dropping Scott at work?

"Can you leave?"

It wasn't said with malice, but it wasn't kindly requested either. I replied, "Babe - I haven't even started the bread for the market yet. I really need to be home." Drama rushed in through the open door faster than the air-conditioned air was rushing out.

"FINE! We were trying to do something nice . . ."

My oh-so-mature response to this comment? "Fine. I'll leave. You call me when I can come home." And I left.

Of course, Shelby made quite the scene of yelling "MOM!" after me, trying to quickly undo her attitude and comments. But it fell on deaf ears. I was at my breaking point. Enough was enough. I could no longer be all things to all people. I went to my daddy and mommy's house where I sat and enjoyed a glass of wine while the littles (who had all come with me to take Scott to work) enjoyed some unexpected play-time in the backyard.

An hour or so later, I gathered up the children who were with me and we headed home. Somehow, in that hour sitting at my mother and father's house consuming my glass of fermented grapes, I regained my perspective on life, family, and commitments. I remembered again why I was thankful Scott has a great job. I felt up to the task of molding the teenager instead of leaving her to figure it out on her own. I knew that I would, without a doubt, be ready to read to Abigail her favorite stories. Again. That I could be enthusiastic over Tucker, Keats, and Aidan's newest achievements in their quest to conquer all things physical. That I could help Dawson pack for his round of sleep-away camp with true excitement for his upcoming adventures. That I would bake the bread thinking not of myself, but rather of the people the money raised would serve.

In short - I remembered that my energy is spent on the people I love and serving the God I adore. Yes, there had been heavy usage lately and I wasn't quite over it yet. It was really only this morning that I began to feel like myself again. But I had found the strength that flows from Above again.